A challenging day and a challenging reflection =)... orig written on the 14th of Jan 2009.
Somedays I feel so challenged by the circumstances around me. Today was one of those days.
My mum and I don't get along ( but I believe we will grow closer and more loving with time- amen!) - she is the typical Singaporean Chinese mother who has great aspirations for her child and was greatly disappointed because I did not become a doctor, lawyer, engineer, accountant but am a freelance scriptwriter. She caned me for everything - trivial, small or big. She always reminded me that I owed her everything and that the house I live in is not my house but that she owns it. She always found things to pick on but hardly ever praised me. She called my gifts and talents useless and rubbish, and I grew up harbouring so much anger and depression inside of me because of her constant putting me down. She has a very negative tongue that really speaks poison into people and situations but she realises it not.
Today, without warning, my mother descended upon my flat that is in the midst of serious springcleaning. She started picking on everything down to my giving my son a piece of Lakerol lozenges ( I do not give Kae a lot of snacks at all, but she said I do it everytime - her measurement of time and mine is different. As far as I am concerned, I last gave Kae a Lakerol lozenges 2 months ago and I have not let him raid the fridge for his tubes of M&M yet.)
I was trying to juggle a frantic deadline, Kaelen and her criticisms and was close to blowing my lid off.
It was then that I was led to read an article in Watchman Nee where he said -
The deeper one's self has been dealt with through the Cross, the greater one's deliverance from self will be. How is this manifested? The man who has been totally delivered from self cannot be provoked to rise to his own defence.
It provoked me to realy think. Watchman Nee went on to say -
A Christian who loses his temper is simply revealing his resistance to the discipline of the Holy Spirit. He is unhappy and displeased with the sequence of events that the Holy Spirit has allowed to happen to him.
Was I unhappy with the Holy Spirit's allowing my Mum to come every day? Perhaps the arrangement was such that my Mum would be able to hear more about Jesus? Previously when Kae lived with my parents, he told them about the bible every night. Now that he lives here, they have no contact with the bible. Could it be the LORD's arrangement that my parents are kind enough to come so that they are able to still be close to the Holy Spirit?
At the end of the day, the LORD decides if certain things are allowed to happen to us. It does not mean that bad experiences are all from Him, but the devil could not cause Job trouble till the LORD allowed, and even then the LORD could decide the extent of the damage.
This is not because God is sadistic or has a strange sense of humour.
Rather, God waged a bet with the devil having complete faith in Job. He believed in Job!!!!!!! Even better still if you read the first chapter of Job, you can see the devil's taunt states that God has maintained a hedge of protection around Job and around all he has on every side, blessed the work of his hands and caused increase in the possessions of the land. The devil believed that if God removed that hedge, Job would stop worshipping and praising God or loving him, but would curse God to his face and turn away from him.
God knew Job. He trusted Job and so he told Satan that all the thing in Job would now be subject to Satan but NOT Job.
Then in Job 2:6, after Satan robbed him of his possessions, he challenged God that it was because Job had not experience the pain and so asked to rob him of his health and God hedged His protection over Job's life. Job's life was still under the LORD's authority. The LORD will never let Satan trouble us all the way. Even when our health is robbed, it is TEMPORAL. The LORD's will for us is that we have life and life more abundantly.
Job grieved but not once blamed God nor doubted the righteousness he had in God. (BTW Job lived around Abraham's time before the establishment of the Mosaic Law and thus, lived under a lesser grace than the grace we enjoy now in Christ).
See Job 42 - At the end of the day, before it got any worse and when it was clear that Job was a faithful servant, the LORD intervened, spoke to him and restored him many times over the years of trouble he had suffered. Everyone who bad mouthed him also played a part in restoring him too!!
So I take comfort in this... God has a plan and God sees the bigger picture. He might allow some trouble caused by the devil to take place, but that is because He is a faithful God and He has faith in my heart for Him. He can see how it will benefit me even greater in the long run and that is because He knows how much testing I can take. At the end of the day, His glory will shine brighter and brighter in our lives because it is in the darkness that light shines bright.
Look at my life. When I got pregnant, it was through my own wrongdoing (we have free will remember? I exercised it badly and ignored the prompting of the Holy Spirit =p) and He gave me a choice btw keeping the child or aborting. Regardless of my decision, I know He would still have restored me and forgiven me... and I could not abort. I just couldn't. It wasn't the baby's fault. So I had Kae and wow the 9 months and maybe a year odd after that was horrible. I was under so much persecution within me, around me but my son, my little Kae, brought so much joy despite the pain. He is the BEST Mother's Day present (yea he was actually born on Mother's day!! God's perfect timing - grins) and everyday that I love him teaches me how much my Father loves me. Everyday that I love him I see myself as a child of our Heavenly Father better. Everyday that I love him, I feel so loved and blessed. I have grown closer to Jesus over the years first as a mother and He has blessed me beyond what I had originally -
1) I never got my diploma - but I get University degree holder's pay and He blessed me with so much opportunities!
2) He has blessed me with a great husband - caring, patient, loving, almost unconditional in his love for me as he models his love and respect and care on the love Christ has for his church... I am so blessed to be married to you, Ian.
3) He has brought joy to my parents. After I grew up, the house became so quiet. Kae came and yes he brings joyous noise to all of us hahaha. =)
4) I lost friends and He restored to me so many more friends - true friends, God-believing and praising friends whom I can journey along with together as we walk by Christ.
5) Great in-laws who are so loving, so sweet and wonderful.... I am so blessed!
6) A roof over my head.
7) Complete healing of my back and good health. AMEN!
8) Provision of all our needs and even the things we want (a good eg. is our honeymoon... we wanted to go Korea and God made it happen!! Hallelujah!)
9) A good church - I was ostracised and crucified in my church when I was a catholic because of a priest (I forgive him - he is human and we are not perfect beings amen?). He has found me a good spiritual home to put my roots down, to guide us and our children and has fed us spiritually and as much as he has fed us spiritually, he has fed us physically, emotionally, mentally.
10) He has broken the bondage of Melancholy from me forever and ever. Praise God! He has filled my heart with joy and my mouth with good things!
11) He has blessed us more and more with each new year. Hallelujah!!!
Oh the list goes on and on and on. I look back and see how amazingly blessed I am in Him!
Praise God that I am a weak, imperfect human because He is now my strength. He is my freedom. He is my health. He is my joy. He is my creativity. HE IS MY EVERYTHING!
And because He is my everything, I have nothing to fear! AMEN!
So yes, my Mum might nag and say the most unreasonable things sometime but I remember she says it but means well. I will choose not to react and even if I do, grace reigns - I will apologise and still respect her as my Mum and offer that burden of frustration to Jesus.
What a great way to exercise my spiritual muscles, to share with my Mum and to grow in love... what a great way to learn how to restrain my tongue from evil.
I remember how when we took over my FIL's old Acer PC that was dying (and is really almost dead now), it ran so much slower than my old PC. It was so hard at first to do any work at all. But the longer I used it, the less I'd grumble, the more I was able to take the long waiting times to render and process information without feeling anxious or upset. I saw how God took something bad to bring about blessings. I grew in patience! That is a way better gift than a fast computer hahaha.
So I see how in Christ, His blessings bring with them no sorrow and that He will restore always what the locusts rob from us by many, many folds more.
My best friend likes to say - the greater the trouble caused by the devil, the greater the blessings following it because of Christ. Hallelujah!
So I look expectantly to Jesus and entrust my Mum to Him. Help me to be quick to be more patient, more loving and more forgiving with my mother. Help me to not allow the things she say to rob my shalom or trigger a reaction that does not bring Him glory. AMEN!
My mum and I don't get along ( but I believe we will grow closer and more loving with time- amen!) - she is the typical Singaporean Chinese mother who has great aspirations for her child and was greatly disappointed because I did not become a doctor, lawyer, engineer, accountant but am a freelance scriptwriter. She caned me for everything - trivial, small or big. She always reminded me that I owed her everything and that the house I live in is not my house but that she owns it. She always found things to pick on but hardly ever praised me. She called my gifts and talents useless and rubbish, and I grew up harbouring so much anger and depression inside of me because of her constant putting me down. She has a very negative tongue that really speaks poison into people and situations but she realises it not.
Today, without warning, my mother descended upon my flat that is in the midst of serious springcleaning. She started picking on everything down to my giving my son a piece of Lakerol lozenges ( I do not give Kae a lot of snacks at all, but she said I do it everytime - her measurement of time and mine is different. As far as I am concerned, I last gave Kae a Lakerol lozenges 2 months ago and I have not let him raid the fridge for his tubes of M&M yet.)
I was trying to juggle a frantic deadline, Kaelen and her criticisms and was close to blowing my lid off.
It was then that I was led to read an article in Watchman Nee where he said -
The deeper one's self has been dealt with through the Cross, the greater one's deliverance from self will be. How is this manifested? The man who has been totally delivered from self cannot be provoked to rise to his own defence.
It provoked me to realy think. Watchman Nee went on to say -
A Christian who loses his temper is simply revealing his resistance to the discipline of the Holy Spirit. He is unhappy and displeased with the sequence of events that the Holy Spirit has allowed to happen to him.
Was I unhappy with the Holy Spirit's allowing my Mum to come every day? Perhaps the arrangement was such that my Mum would be able to hear more about Jesus? Previously when Kae lived with my parents, he told them about the bible every night. Now that he lives here, they have no contact with the bible. Could it be the LORD's arrangement that my parents are kind enough to come so that they are able to still be close to the Holy Spirit?
At the end of the day, the LORD decides if certain things are allowed to happen to us. It does not mean that bad experiences are all from Him, but the devil could not cause Job trouble till the LORD allowed, and even then the LORD could decide the extent of the damage.
This is not because God is sadistic or has a strange sense of humour.
Rather, God waged a bet with the devil having complete faith in Job. He believed in Job!!!!!!! Even better still if you read the first chapter of Job, you can see the devil's taunt states that God has maintained a hedge of protection around Job and around all he has on every side, blessed the work of his hands and caused increase in the possessions of the land. The devil believed that if God removed that hedge, Job would stop worshipping and praising God or loving him, but would curse God to his face and turn away from him.
God knew Job. He trusted Job and so he told Satan that all the thing in Job would now be subject to Satan but NOT Job.
Then in Job 2:6, after Satan robbed him of his possessions, he challenged God that it was because Job had not experience the pain and so asked to rob him of his health and God hedged His protection over Job's life. Job's life was still under the LORD's authority. The LORD will never let Satan trouble us all the way. Even when our health is robbed, it is TEMPORAL. The LORD's will for us is that we have life and life more abundantly.
Job grieved but not once blamed God nor doubted the righteousness he had in God. (BTW Job lived around Abraham's time before the establishment of the Mosaic Law and thus, lived under a lesser grace than the grace we enjoy now in Christ).
See Job 42 - At the end of the day, before it got any worse and when it was clear that Job was a faithful servant, the LORD intervened, spoke to him and restored him many times over the years of trouble he had suffered. Everyone who bad mouthed him also played a part in restoring him too!!
So I take comfort in this... God has a plan and God sees the bigger picture. He might allow some trouble caused by the devil to take place, but that is because He is a faithful God and He has faith in my heart for Him. He can see how it will benefit me even greater in the long run and that is because He knows how much testing I can take. At the end of the day, His glory will shine brighter and brighter in our lives because it is in the darkness that light shines bright.
Look at my life. When I got pregnant, it was through my own wrongdoing (we have free will remember? I exercised it badly and ignored the prompting of the Holy Spirit =p) and He gave me a choice btw keeping the child or aborting. Regardless of my decision, I know He would still have restored me and forgiven me... and I could not abort. I just couldn't. It wasn't the baby's fault. So I had Kae and wow the 9 months and maybe a year odd after that was horrible. I was under so much persecution within me, around me but my son, my little Kae, brought so much joy despite the pain. He is the BEST Mother's Day present (yea he was actually born on Mother's day!! God's perfect timing - grins) and everyday that I love him teaches me how much my Father loves me. Everyday that I love him I see myself as a child of our Heavenly Father better. Everyday that I love him, I feel so loved and blessed. I have grown closer to Jesus over the years first as a mother and He has blessed me beyond what I had originally -
1) I never got my diploma - but I get University degree holder's pay and He blessed me with so much opportunities!
2) He has blessed me with a great husband - caring, patient, loving, almost unconditional in his love for me as he models his love and respect and care on the love Christ has for his church... I am so blessed to be married to you, Ian.
3) He has brought joy to my parents. After I grew up, the house became so quiet. Kae came and yes he brings joyous noise to all of us hahaha. =)
4) I lost friends and He restored to me so many more friends - true friends, God-believing and praising friends whom I can journey along with together as we walk by Christ.
5) Great in-laws who are so loving, so sweet and wonderful.... I am so blessed!
6) A roof over my head.
7) Complete healing of my back and good health. AMEN!
8) Provision of all our needs and even the things we want (a good eg. is our honeymoon... we wanted to go Korea and God made it happen!! Hallelujah!)
9) A good church - I was ostracised and crucified in my church when I was a catholic because of a priest (I forgive him - he is human and we are not perfect beings amen?). He has found me a good spiritual home to put my roots down, to guide us and our children and has fed us spiritually and as much as he has fed us spiritually, he has fed us physically, emotionally, mentally.
10) He has broken the bondage of Melancholy from me forever and ever. Praise God! He has filled my heart with joy and my mouth with good things!
11) He has blessed us more and more with each new year. Hallelujah!!!
Oh the list goes on and on and on. I look back and see how amazingly blessed I am in Him!
Praise God that I am a weak, imperfect human because He is now my strength. He is my freedom. He is my health. He is my joy. He is my creativity. HE IS MY EVERYTHING!
And because He is my everything, I have nothing to fear! AMEN!
So yes, my Mum might nag and say the most unreasonable things sometime but I remember she says it but means well. I will choose not to react and even if I do, grace reigns - I will apologise and still respect her as my Mum and offer that burden of frustration to Jesus.
What a great way to exercise my spiritual muscles, to share with my Mum and to grow in love... what a great way to learn how to restrain my tongue from evil.
I remember how when we took over my FIL's old Acer PC that was dying (and is really almost dead now), it ran so much slower than my old PC. It was so hard at first to do any work at all. But the longer I used it, the less I'd grumble, the more I was able to take the long waiting times to render and process information without feeling anxious or upset. I saw how God took something bad to bring about blessings. I grew in patience! That is a way better gift than a fast computer hahaha.
So I see how in Christ, His blessings bring with them no sorrow and that He will restore always what the locusts rob from us by many, many folds more.
My best friend likes to say - the greater the trouble caused by the devil, the greater the blessings following it because of Christ. Hallelujah!
So I look expectantly to Jesus and entrust my Mum to Him. Help me to be quick to be more patient, more loving and more forgiving with my mother. Help me to not allow the things she say to rob my shalom or trigger a reaction that does not bring Him glory. AMEN!
Wow, thanks for your transparency.
ReplyDeleteI can identify with your experience as I had the same problem with my mum.
She had already gone on to be with the Lord.I think the only regret I had was that I did not really have quality time with her in the last few years of her life.
Anyway,do what you can for your mum.Remember,as Pastor says, the Lord is your Patience.Even when and especially when we fail.
Keep cool when the heat is on.Not easy, I know.His grace is sufficient.Hang on!
Agape,
Jeffrey
Am so encouraged by your sharing!
ReplyDeleteSo Christ-exalted and such a show of love... Wow, am humbled by the Grace that exudes from your writing.
Indeed, like what Ps Lian mentioned today, see Job's ending. God gave him double portion of blessings for the trouble the devil gave.
Double the blessings will follow you soon! Amen!
Peggy
wei.. super long post! but it was so well written i want to get to the last bit. :)
ReplyDeleteYou know, your description of your mother matches mine :p it gets frustrating communicating with my mom sometimes cos she likes to download her negative views of ppl and things ard me on me and when i start sharing why i think otherwise, she starts to shut off.
So when we had to stay with her for a week durin the house reno, i wasn't that looking forward yet at the same time wanted to see it as an opportunity to communicate with her. And i'm glad i did. We managed to speak out some of the things we've kept within us for a long time and accepted our different viewpoints. These days, she's still very her and I'm learning to not let emotions get the better of me whenever i speak to her.
I believe God is working through her as well as for myself. There's so many opportunities for training everyday and like you've mentioned, we just need to look expectantly to Jesus and let His peace reign in our hearts.
How wonderful & priviledge it is to be a favored child of God! :)
Thanks for being such a blessing. always. hugs!