Thoughts on a Tuesday night, sitting at my dining table
I have to admit I have a problem keeping the home spick and span, show flat like, whilst juggling writing assignments, teaching the kids in Kae's school, housework and being a DMW (Daughter Mother Wife lol).
Like right now, I am looking around my house and thinking - I really should just take a huge box and just throw more things away without taking a second look.
I admit I am a hoarder. Lol. I used to collect postcards like crazy - those free ones. People take one or two cards but I'd take a ton. I've since stopped coz I realise I have no one to send them too haha and no, they are not going to be collector's items some day (yea... i was partly deluded right??? Lol.)
The good thing is I dun hoard up on my emotions. I used to as well.
I used to hoard up on my sadness, my anger because I thought that they were 1) harmless 2) fed my creative energy as a writer.
As a result, I suffered from depression and well-ed up so much pent up anger, grief and other dark emotions inside. It was an internal self-mutilation. I'd "cut" my heart to see if it still felt anything. Foolish. I know now. But then, fueled by the songs on the radio, feeding on Tori Amos lyrics and breathing in the darkness, I was well and truly a lost soul (and man did I cuss and swear like a sailor. Now I feel awkward even saying the s-word, not to mention the f-word lol.)
Today, I look at the darkness from the outside, no longer trapped inside of it. And it feels good... man does it feel good. =)
Yea my house is messy at the moment (T.T) but it is a HOME filled with laughter, love, joy and shalom. As for the room in my soul and heart, it is filled with a light that I never thought possible just 8 years ago.
And you know I used to be all smiles, many acquaintances but a loner with a death wish inside, but now I share my heart room with Ian (and of coz K-bear!) and our hearts are anchored on Christ, and all I long for is to abide in Him always. =)
Like right now, I am looking around my house and thinking - I really should just take a huge box and just throw more things away without taking a second look.
I admit I am a hoarder. Lol. I used to collect postcards like crazy - those free ones. People take one or two cards but I'd take a ton. I've since stopped coz I realise I have no one to send them too haha and no, they are not going to be collector's items some day (yea... i was partly deluded right??? Lol.)
The good thing is I dun hoard up on my emotions. I used to as well.
I used to hoard up on my sadness, my anger because I thought that they were 1) harmless 2) fed my creative energy as a writer.
As a result, I suffered from depression and well-ed up so much pent up anger, grief and other dark emotions inside. It was an internal self-mutilation. I'd "cut" my heart to see if it still felt anything. Foolish. I know now. But then, fueled by the songs on the radio, feeding on Tori Amos lyrics and breathing in the darkness, I was well and truly a lost soul (and man did I cuss and swear like a sailor. Now I feel awkward even saying the s-word, not to mention the f-word lol.)
Today, I look at the darkness from the outside, no longer trapped inside of it. And it feels good... man does it feel good. =)
Yea my house is messy at the moment (T.T) but it is a HOME filled with laughter, love, joy and shalom. As for the room in my soul and heart, it is filled with a light that I never thought possible just 8 years ago.
And you know I used to be all smiles, many acquaintances but a loner with a death wish inside, but now I share my heart room with Ian (and of coz K-bear!) and our hearts are anchored on Christ, and all I long for is to abide in Him always. =)
Your testimony is a blessing. Thank you for sharing.
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