Crash and burn....
You know I was talking to my God sis the other day and I realised that there is a friendship I feel so much grief about. That friend has been a huge gigantum part of my life... and well the whole friendship crashed and burned one day.
I tried my best... and I have no doubt that friend did too in this relationship... but how can you hold on to someone who pushes you away? Perhaps we've both changed so much, pulling towards seriously different directions to really understand how to hold on to the friendship any more. Different spheres of belief, different level and method of living life to the fullest... As Tori Amos once sang, "Sometimes I think you want me to want you. But how can I when you build the Great Wall around you."
You know just because I am really still living a joyful life today does not mean I dun miss the friend or that I've stopped wishing the friend well when the friendship comes to what I hope is more of a long time out than the end. And there are days it hurts so bad that I ball up and cry... thankfully Jesus is always there and Ian is never far away to wipe my tears away. And grace... grace always reminds me not to let bitterness or condemnation or depression take root inside my heart the way I used to let it creep all over me like a weed- choking the life and light out of me.
Living life to the full today does not mean I dun miss the friend. Being able to laugh with other friends does not mean I dun miss laughing with that special friend.
But I let go where I know I am not wanted- for now. We've swept too much dust bunnies under the carpet and for anyone who's played raving rabbids before, the explosion of stark raving mad dust bunnies has a devastating effect- toilet plungers and all.
I miss that friend very much. In the quiet of the night I miss that friend. I dunno if it matters any more to the person but itz ok. Itz ok if the friend wants to stay angry with me because I am in no place to judge his/her reasons to. I am not perfect and I cannot and will not expect the person to be perfect either. Hey some people I seriously had qualms with in the past, today I am at peace with today. I am sure others have felt the same about me.
So I guess it is all a long walk and I wun judge the trip by one stop. Itz ok.
Itz ok because at the end of the day, life has too much to put on pause for one sad memory or one sad thought or one decision that I stand by (ie, my decision to stick with Christ and my decision to stick by the gospel of grace). There is still the hubby to journey with, the little one to grow with, friends to fellowship with, and most importantly, Daddy God to snuggle up to...
So I will still hum amazing grace and skip along fine and dandy now... =) And hopefully this friendship will come back to life again some day in the 'morrow. I wun say never and I wun say now... but I believe someday.... someday....=)
"I am not where I need to be, but thank God I am not where I used
to be." - Joyce Myers
I tried my best... and I have no doubt that friend did too in this relationship... but how can you hold on to someone who pushes you away? Perhaps we've both changed so much, pulling towards seriously different directions to really understand how to hold on to the friendship any more. Different spheres of belief, different level and method of living life to the fullest... As Tori Amos once sang, "Sometimes I think you want me to want you. But how can I when you build the Great Wall around you."
You know just because I am really still living a joyful life today does not mean I dun miss the friend or that I've stopped wishing the friend well when the friendship comes to what I hope is more of a long time out than the end. And there are days it hurts so bad that I ball up and cry... thankfully Jesus is always there and Ian is never far away to wipe my tears away. And grace... grace always reminds me not to let bitterness or condemnation or depression take root inside my heart the way I used to let it creep all over me like a weed- choking the life and light out of me.
Living life to the full today does not mean I dun miss the friend. Being able to laugh with other friends does not mean I dun miss laughing with that special friend.
But I let go where I know I am not wanted- for now. We've swept too much dust bunnies under the carpet and for anyone who's played raving rabbids before, the explosion of stark raving mad dust bunnies has a devastating effect- toilet plungers and all.
I miss that friend very much. In the quiet of the night I miss that friend. I dunno if it matters any more to the person but itz ok. Itz ok if the friend wants to stay angry with me because I am in no place to judge his/her reasons to. I am not perfect and I cannot and will not expect the person to be perfect either. Hey some people I seriously had qualms with in the past, today I am at peace with today. I am sure others have felt the same about me.
So I guess it is all a long walk and I wun judge the trip by one stop. Itz ok.
Itz ok because at the end of the day, life has too much to put on pause for one sad memory or one sad thought or one decision that I stand by (ie, my decision to stick with Christ and my decision to stick by the gospel of grace). There is still the hubby to journey with, the little one to grow with, friends to fellowship with, and most importantly, Daddy God to snuggle up to...
So I will still hum amazing grace and skip along fine and dandy now... =) And hopefully this friendship will come back to life again some day in the 'morrow. I wun say never and I wun say now... but I believe someday.... someday....=)
"I am not where I need to be, but thank God I am not where I used
to be." - Joyce Myers
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