Reflecting on Change

"Next, we need to get serious about changing our life. Every one of us has an outer life and an inner life. Many of us want our outside circumstance to change while we stay down, down, down on the inside about everything that’s going on in our life. But before we can get up on the outside, we have to get up on the inside... Change can occur daily in such little increments thatwe don’t even notice it." - Joyce Meyer

I used to be such a bleak soul. I would smile on the outside but I was really depressed and suicidal.

I don't think my ex-classmates ever knew how dark it was inside me. I had a heart to heart with one of them some time back, and she was shocked that I was once so burdened by depression. She couldn't believe it. I also doubt most of my relatives can understand or know how troubled I was. I was just mistaken for being a rebel w/o a cause, in a quiet way, but I was just struggling. Not waving but drowning, as a poet once put it.

Thankfully, though it was inky dark, there was a flicker of light now and then. That flicker is Jesus who now burns bright within me.

My outer life was breaking me and my inner life was stubbornly clinging on to my feelings about my outer life. It was bitter and angry and terribly sad. My outer and inner life were in sync in a most destructive way.

I wanted things outside to change - my friends, my mum, my relationship problems... but I was not willing to let go of wrong believing and wrong living inside of me. In fact, I relished the darkness and felt it fed my creativity. Everything that came out of me was just as dark.

I did seek God and I did have a relationship with Christ through the storms of life... as I've said before, I dun think I've ever given up on Him... I was just stubborn as a mule & didn't realise that. I spoke to Christ but I refused to listen or act on what He was trying to tell me. I just plodded on the wrong way even when the GPS buried deep inside pointed a different way.

It was only when I was completely broken that I was able to make that change... and thankfully, He does not deny a broken spirit & a contrite heart.

I hit rock bottom and finally that hard shell inside cracked and I let go and let Him. And when I did, you can see from my life now that the outside changed accordingly.

It is written (in the Good Book) that we will prosper as our soul prospers.

I am not perfect and neither do I seek to be perfect. I seek Christ who is my perfection and I gladly sit as His feet and learn about His love for me. As I become rich with His love and mercy and grace, the inside changes and that causes everything outside to change.

As I release my hold on wrong ideals, lies that this world plants inside me, the bitterness of years of pent up anger... I change inside. I feel happier, lighter, loved... very very much less bitter and hateful and angry and sad. And the outside reflects the change.

When I was all emo, my life was also emo generating. Emo begets emo.

Now that I am joyful, my life is filled with joy too.

The joy of the LORD is my strength. Praise Jesus!

I still feel for people - itz not like I dun feel sad for things around me... but I have a sure foundation beneath my feet now that is unshakeable. This means I can feel emo but emo has no hold over me to destroy and tear me apart again.

There is a peace like a river that bubbles and trickles inside me. =)

Thank you Jesus for that shalom wholeness and peace.