Thoughts on relationships
A friend asked me today if a couple's relationship is meant to be, if it will be plain sailing with no hiccups.
For everyone who has the same question in their hearts, but have not vocalized it, the answer is NO.
No matter how close a couple is, how "perfect" they seem to be, there is no such thing as a couple who does not have any differences from time to time.
Everyone has a different background in terms of how they were raised/ who their parents were/ what they went through as kids... We each have a different set of beliefs and opinions that we subscribe to. Hence, it is impossible for us to read each other's minds and even agree on every single issue in life because of our individuality.
BUT a couple can agree to disagree.
Differences can unite or tear apart a couple depending on their choice.
Ian and I do argue but we try not to be destructive or hit out emotionally when we have our moments of differences. We also try to give each other the attention required when we have upset or offended the other. This means turning off the TV or finding a private space to talk about it.
This is a typical run down of what happens with us...
1) Difference in opinion occurs
2) If I feel he has hurt me, I voice it out. I acknowledge that I do not expect him to read my mind and I refuse to stew in my hurt. I do not bottle it inside and let it simmer and ferment & make me sour.
3) We have time to cool off a bit after the initial voicing out.
4) He approaches me about the issue when he is ready to address it. We talk and share our feelings. Making sure to listen to the other party, as much as we voice out our opinions. As we share he makes sure he holds my hand, or hug me (vice versa if it is my bad).
5) We resolve the issue - we never never NEVER let it simmer overnight, nor do we allow it to come to bed with us.
6) We affirm our love with a gesture - a kiss, a hug or whispering "I love you."
7) We move on and watch a funny show together (we have tons of those on our Hubstation haha.)
Ian and I make it a point not to shout, scream or hit at each other physically, emotionally or mentally. It just isn't healthy. We don't play emotional blackmail games or mind games. We are upfront and honest in our dealings with each other.
We do get angry with each other but we apply what we receive from God - we love each other even when we are upset with each other, and we make it a point to forgive and move on, never looking back just like how God forgave us completely on the Cross and chooses not to see our imperfections any more but instead chooses to see Christ standing in our stead. =) We try our best to love with no strings attached, no hidden clauses, no digging up history again and again to argue about.
Sometimes after we have our talk, we understand how a certain behaviour or thing we said can be perceived as hurtful as the other, so we are able to avoid hurting them the same way again.
We learn more about each other and love each other more after we resolve our conflict in as gracious a manner as possible.
Look, we aren't perfect. So it is reasonable that we too shouldn't expect our other half to be perfect. If we expect perfection of them, we are setting them up for imminent failure!
I made it clear to Ian one day when he asked me "Do I provide well enough for you?". I told him that I expect of Christ and not of him. I don't expect of him to provide, I expect of Christ to provide.
In the same way, I don't expect him to fulfill all my human needs and emotional needs. I expect Christ to do that.
When we don't expect of our partners, we don't give them that unfair pressure to bear, that stress of having to hit an unrealistic mark that drives some to despair.
We can do some other things though to ease a tense situation - we can change the way we think and choose the way we react to what they do or say. We can choose to let the experience better us or embitter us.
Last of all, when you choose to walk down the aisle with someone - remember not to expect the person to change after marriage. We can pray about it and offer it to God - and it might take time months, years or decades even - but if you marry the person believing he can and will change to the exact specification you have in mind, you can be sure you will be disappointed.
Can you accept him as he is even now?
Joyce Meyer once said, if you cannot praise even when you are in the desert, when you are in the promised land you will still not be satisfied because your joy lies in the circumstances, and the devil can always affect your circumstances.
If you can love and joyfully accept your partner now - faults and farts and farce and all - you can be assured that your marriage/ relationship will grow from strength to strength. You learn to let his strengths make up for your weaknesses, and compliment his weaknesses with your strength and vice versa.
Also, I find it vital that a couple is not unequally yoke in a relationship when it comes to the matter of faith. I am not saying you can't be with someone who is younger in his faith walk, but it means you have to be more patient and understanding. It is also very hard to be with someone who is overbearing because he or she is stronger in faith. The hardest to deal with is if you share differing beliefs in terms of faith.
Most importantly, in your weaknesses HE is strong - as long as Jesus is the capstone of your relationship and the key member of it, your relationship will grow fine. So Jesus makes up for all the lack and when the complete comes, the incompletes will come to an end. Your relationship will be whole as long as you let Him in and let Him control your relationship.
Enjoy the journey together and don't let the devil rob your joy. Your joy in the LORD is your strength as a couple.
For everyone who has the same question in their hearts, but have not vocalized it, the answer is NO.
No matter how close a couple is, how "perfect" they seem to be, there is no such thing as a couple who does not have any differences from time to time.
Everyone has a different background in terms of how they were raised/ who their parents were/ what they went through as kids... We each have a different set of beliefs and opinions that we subscribe to. Hence, it is impossible for us to read each other's minds and even agree on every single issue in life because of our individuality.
BUT a couple can agree to disagree.
Differences can unite or tear apart a couple depending on their choice.
Ian and I do argue but we try not to be destructive or hit out emotionally when we have our moments of differences. We also try to give each other the attention required when we have upset or offended the other. This means turning off the TV or finding a private space to talk about it.
This is a typical run down of what happens with us...
1) Difference in opinion occurs
2) If I feel he has hurt me, I voice it out. I acknowledge that I do not expect him to read my mind and I refuse to stew in my hurt. I do not bottle it inside and let it simmer and ferment & make me sour.
3) We have time to cool off a bit after the initial voicing out.
4) He approaches me about the issue when he is ready to address it. We talk and share our feelings. Making sure to listen to the other party, as much as we voice out our opinions. As we share he makes sure he holds my hand, or hug me (vice versa if it is my bad).
5) We resolve the issue - we never never NEVER let it simmer overnight, nor do we allow it to come to bed with us.
6) We affirm our love with a gesture - a kiss, a hug or whispering "I love you."
7) We move on and watch a funny show together (we have tons of those on our Hubstation haha.)
Ian and I make it a point not to shout, scream or hit at each other physically, emotionally or mentally. It just isn't healthy. We don't play emotional blackmail games or mind games. We are upfront and honest in our dealings with each other.
We do get angry with each other but we apply what we receive from God - we love each other even when we are upset with each other, and we make it a point to forgive and move on, never looking back just like how God forgave us completely on the Cross and chooses not to see our imperfections any more but instead chooses to see Christ standing in our stead. =) We try our best to love with no strings attached, no hidden clauses, no digging up history again and again to argue about.
Sometimes after we have our talk, we understand how a certain behaviour or thing we said can be perceived as hurtful as the other, so we are able to avoid hurting them the same way again.
We learn more about each other and love each other more after we resolve our conflict in as gracious a manner as possible.
Look, we aren't perfect. So it is reasonable that we too shouldn't expect our other half to be perfect. If we expect perfection of them, we are setting them up for imminent failure!
I made it clear to Ian one day when he asked me "Do I provide well enough for you?". I told him that I expect of Christ and not of him. I don't expect of him to provide, I expect of Christ to provide.
In the same way, I don't expect him to fulfill all my human needs and emotional needs. I expect Christ to do that.
When we don't expect of our partners, we don't give them that unfair pressure to bear, that stress of having to hit an unrealistic mark that drives some to despair.
We can do some other things though to ease a tense situation - we can change the way we think and choose the way we react to what they do or say. We can choose to let the experience better us or embitter us.
Last of all, when you choose to walk down the aisle with someone - remember not to expect the person to change after marriage. We can pray about it and offer it to God - and it might take time months, years or decades even - but if you marry the person believing he can and will change to the exact specification you have in mind, you can be sure you will be disappointed.
Can you accept him as he is even now?
Joyce Meyer once said, if you cannot praise even when you are in the desert, when you are in the promised land you will still not be satisfied because your joy lies in the circumstances, and the devil can always affect your circumstances.
If you can love and joyfully accept your partner now - faults and farts and farce and all - you can be assured that your marriage/ relationship will grow from strength to strength. You learn to let his strengths make up for your weaknesses, and compliment his weaknesses with your strength and vice versa.
Also, I find it vital that a couple is not unequally yoke in a relationship when it comes to the matter of faith. I am not saying you can't be with someone who is younger in his faith walk, but it means you have to be more patient and understanding. It is also very hard to be with someone who is overbearing because he or she is stronger in faith. The hardest to deal with is if you share differing beliefs in terms of faith.
Most importantly, in your weaknesses HE is strong - as long as Jesus is the capstone of your relationship and the key member of it, your relationship will grow fine. So Jesus makes up for all the lack and when the complete comes, the incompletes will come to an end. Your relationship will be whole as long as you let Him in and let Him control your relationship.
Enjoy the journey together and don't let the devil rob your joy. Your joy in the LORD is your strength as a couple.
wow. a coupla days ago, a sister shared with me on some views pertaining to husband/wife relationship. I subscribed the same views as you but weren't as eloquent in explaining this to her. When i stumbled on your website 1 or 2 days ago, i sent her your link. Your post has just addressed what I was trying to tell her. :) I believe it'll minister to her as much as it did to me. Thanks also for the reminder that Christ is in the center of our marriages and He's the one enabling us to a strong, love-filled marriage!
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