Love Dare: Day 13
LOVE FIGHTS FAIR
Recently, everyone's been quoting Barak Obama about disagreeing without being disagreeable. In a marriage that's an important rule of confrontation.
In today's Dare, the authors talk about how you can't avoid conflicts in a marriage. When we joined in union with our spouse, we united our hurts, fears, imperfections, emotional baggage along with our hopes and dreams. From the time we unpacked from our honeymoon, that's when the actual process of really discovering each other starts. We begin to see how imperfect, sinful and selfish we can be.
Our pre-conceived ideas of our spouses evaporate just as their pre-conceived notions of who we are melt away. Our pretense give way to truth - suddenly we're stark naked before our spouse- private problems, secret habits and all. Ouch!
The storms also start to appear on the horizon- in law issues, work probs, financial offer, health problems... One after another they come, adding more pressure, more heat. More disagreements get dragged out as each of our tolerance level reaches boiling point. The fight is ugly and no one comes out unhurt.
One thing you our know is- you are not alone. Every couple experiences conflict; surviving it is another deal. Today's Dare will not drive away all your problems, but it will help you confront each other in a healthier. More constructive way.
When you're very upset and in the middle of an argument, you're most likely to do the most damage and inflict the greatest heartbreak. Your at your worst behaviour- pride, anger overflow from you, bearing fruits of selfishness, judgemental and poisoned words. These blind you to choose the wrong words, actions, deeds. If you go head to head at full animosity, you'll suffer from the worst collision ever. Someone needs to step on the brakes and introduce love to the equation.
Love will remind us our marriage is too precious to allow it to fall apart, the the love we have for our spouse is more important than the topic of confrontation. It's a safety barrier that prevents you both from flying over the edge. It reminds you that the friction can be turned into blessings. When we learn to navigate conflict together, we grow closer, more trusting, more intimate and and enjoy a deeper connection after the storm's passed.
So how can we debate in a constructive manner and fight clean? By establishing some ground rules first. The "we" rules and the "me" rules.
We will never mention divorce. We will not bring up old scores. We will not fight in public or before the kids. If things are getting too hot to handle or damaging, we'll call for a time out. We will not physically hurt another. We'll not go to bed angry with each other. Failure is not an option, we'll work this out no matter what it costs.
I will listen first before I speak. I will deal with my own issues honestly. I will speak gently and keep my voice down.
Fighting fair means changing your weapons, disagreeing with dignity. It should be constructive not destructive. It should bridge a gap, not widen it. Love is NOT a fight, but it is worth fighting for.
Today's quotes-
Mark 3:25, James 1:19, Matthew 7:3, Prov 15:1, Romans 12:16.
Today's Dare-
Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate's not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to "fight" by. Resolve to abide by them when the news disagreement occurs.
Today's Reflection-
If your spouse participated with you, what was their response? What rules did you write for yourself?
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