As a man thinks in his heart...

As a man thinks in his heart, so does he become - Prov 23:7

When I was a teenager, I used to think that I was this oddfellow in the class. Perhaps because I thought that way - and I wonder if I even relished that thought of being that uniquely misunderstood individual - I truly became it.

During those years, I struggled with seeking my identity. Who was I? Where was I heading? I had so many questions and I sowed so many weeds instead of wheat. I basically allowed myself to be devoured and gummed to near death by the false lion - our enemy.

I believed after being molested, that I was awakened and no longer pristine... I felt violated of course. An old Indian provision shop owner was the perpetrator and he told me he was helping my boobs grow larger. What was scary was he was an old family friend in that we went to his Mama shop a lot. I later found out I wasn't the only victim. It was a rotten experience.

After that experience, I let it rot me further. I believed myself to be more 'open' minded as I grew older... I did not realise I was "opening" my doors to being attacked. I was not believing right so I was also not living right. I was dating too young, lying too much and I admit, I even stole huge sums of money from my Dad to buy my favourite novels and comics. I was going out of control and I was still a younger teenager.

I started dating at 13 and met all sorts of wrong guys. Guys who were male chauvinistic pigs, selfish guys, angry guys - those that stepped all over me despite all that I did. I was a total well - giving and giving and giving my love out till I was all dried up. By the time I was 17, I had dated more than 10 guys and got my heart broken many more times over.

As I got older, I began to find myself influenced by alternative everything- emo music, emo literature, emo shows and I was so depressed. My self worth was at an all time low.

And when I was dried up, it just got worse and worse until I was suicidal. Depression lingered over me like a cloud hovering over Grumpy Smurf.

When I found out I was preggers - I thought that was it. And when I was struggling with my ex, I just wanted to give up but I couldn't because of Kae.

Now I understand my worth in Christ - I am so precious to Him he came to find me personally, He loved me so much that He opened those arms to show me how much.

I think differently in my heart now... I know now that I am more than a conqueror in Jesus, that I am not meant to live a life of defeat and despair. Having a wonderful husband to share that victorious walk with helps further... but it was a long lonely walk before I got here.

I now realise that I have the say over my feelings and emotions & I can take control of them in Jesus. I have authority over them not the other way. I stopped listening to music that would affect me emotionally. I stopped reading books that coloured my perspective a dark, dismal grey. I stopped saying negative things over myself, stopped hitting myself, stopped cutting myself... stopped surrendering myself and let Jesus take the wheel, let Jesus reign over the circumstances.

I still feel melancholy from time to time, but the first thing I do now is to blast Hillsongs on my speakers and praise my way out of despair.

Nothing fills me with joy than just spending an hour worshipping Him and listening to be some of the best pastors preach positive and encouraging messages.

We are what we think we are.

Start thinking better thoughts of yourself... start having a better opinion of your God - He is so much bigger and so much more generous and loving than we deem Him to be.

And He did it ALL for you.